Showing category "Medical jokes" (Show all posts)
A man, after being hurt, calls 911 for help.
Man: Operator, operator, call me an ambulance!
Operator: Okay, sir, you're an ambulance! Continue reading ...
A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands.
"Doctor," says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily
bandaged hands. "Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages
come off?"
"I don't see why not," replies the doctor.
"That's funny," says the man. "I wasn't able to play it before." Continue reading ...
Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid fool!! Continue reading ...
A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging.
Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?
Patient: Why? Docor, it wasn't all that bad this time.
Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game. Continue reading ...
Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?
Dentist: $100.00.
Patient: $100.00 for just a few minutes work?
Dentist: Well, I can extract it very slowly if you like. Continue reading ...
Doctor: Does it hurt when you do this?
Patient: Yes.
Doctor: Well, don't do that. Continue reading ...
The patient shook his doctor's
hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would
not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to
know that I had mentioned you in my will."
"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then
added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a
little change." Continue reading ...
A man visits the doctor for a checkup, and after some tests, the doctor comes in with a grave look on his face.
Doctor: Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news.
Man: Well, give me the really bad news first.
Doctor: You have cancer, and only 6 months to live.
Man: And the bad news?
Doctor: You have Alzheimer's disease.
Man: That's great. I was afraid I had cancer! Continue reading ...
A young woman wasn't feeling well, and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician. "I
know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred
dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after
that." The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced. "I'm back!" Not
fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, "Very
good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit." Continue reading ...
A doctor and a lawyer met at a party. Their conversation was
interrupted repeatedly by guests asking the doctor for medical advice.
Finally, the exasperated doctor turned to the lawyer and said, "Tell
me, what do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when
you're out of the office?" "When they ask, I give them advice", replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill in the morning." The
doctor decided to take the lawyer's advice and for the rest of the
evening wrote down the na... Continue reading ...
The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for
several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One
day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by
him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been
with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to
support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot,
you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my heal... Continue reading ...
This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, died
in a car crash. They had been in good health the last 10 years, mainly
due to her interest in health food and exercise. When they
reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which
was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As
they oohed and aahed, the old man asked Peter how much all this was
going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied. "This is Heaven." Next
they went out back to su... Continue reading ...
A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife.
"Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first
time and always asks me to repeat things." "Well," the doctor
replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say
something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet closer and say
it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity
of her deafness." Sure enough, the husband goes home and does
exactly as instructed. He starts o... Continue reading ...
A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital
in his wheelchair, just before his operation. A nurse stopped him and
asked, "What's the matter?" He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'" "She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?" "She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!" Continue reading ...
While my friend was working as a receptionist for an eye surgeon, a
very angry woman stormed up to her desk. "Someone stole my wig while I
was having surgery yesterday," she complained. The doctor came
out and tried to calm her down. "I assure you that no one on my staff
would have done such a thing," he said. "Why do you think it was taken
here?" "After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap-looking and ugly." "I think" explained the surgeon gently, "that means your cataract o... Continue reading ...
A doctor and a nurse were called to the scene of an accident.
Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital now!
Nurse: What is it?
Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now! Continue reading ...
Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?
Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say.
Doctor: What seems to be the trouble? Continue reading ...
A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging.
Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?
Patient: Why? Docor, it wasn't all that bad this time.
Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game. Continue reading ...
This old man visits his doctor
and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, "I have good
news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"
Patient: Well, give me the bad news first.
Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left.
Patient: That's terrible! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this?
Doctor: You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you. Continue reading ...
Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?
Dentist: $100.00.
Patient: $100.00 for just a few minutes work?
Dentist: Well, I can extract it very slowly if you like.
Continue reading ...
Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?
Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.
Continue reading ...
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